This is difficult for me to write. I haven’t had the best experiences with the fathers of my own children. And am currently in a high level painful experience with one of them who has our children against their will and against mine and as a result, it has colored much of my work.
I find myself looking sideways at some of the fathers “can you be trusted…?” I find myself asking them silently. “Do you even know the treasure and power that you hold?”
I encountered a good friend on the way home yesterday with her baby – the look of shock was imprinted on her face. “What happened” I asked her. “He just went crazy…” she went on to tell me – all the while I stared at her precious baby who was looking off into the jungle. Innocent. Pure love being. It broke my heart. This young new mother, on “the run” – homeless – with no money – trying to think of what to do next. And I remembered my own experiences that were similar. And others, and others and others. Yes, truly heart breaking.
It’s something I work on every day – bringing the masculine into this bigger picture of our collective role within the paradigm shift. I want to feel this connection with the guys – I really, really do – but what does that look like? And how to do that when there are so many women and children that are going through this trauma – which becomes a way of life before long.
In my quest to bridge the divide between the sexes, I am committed to continue to do whatever I feel I can do to bring about the much needed harmony between us. And as daunting as it may feel sometimes, I want to speak to the men – to the fathers and the future fathers, of what I see…
I can only speak to my experiences – and share them with you – of what the mothers – and babies need from you as a man and father. From my perspective.
First, we all must understand that your child is recieving more imprinting (learning) during pregnancy, than it will throughout most of her life. Even though you haven’t held your baby yet, she is alive and growing and developing at an alarming rate – and how you treat her now will literally stick with her for the rest of her life. Probably the first thing that comes to mind is something along the lines of you leaning down to talk to her through her mothers belly. And while that is cool, and she does hear you…there’s much more that you are doing RIGHT now that goes much deeper.
Right now – she is feeling everything that her mother feels. Every emotion, and the subsequent hormones that are released because of those emotions and thoughts, your baby is experiencing as well. So, how you treat her mother, is how you are treating her – during the most formative developmental time of her life.
Every time you raise your voice – your baby, tiny and vulnerable, who is developing her internal organs, and what will be her perception of safety and love – is experiencing your anger and this changes who she is.
Every time you cuddle her mama, speak lovingly to her, give her feelings of safety – your baby is feeling it too, and it’s changing who she is.
Pregnancy is a challenging time. We know that more women are beaten or abused during their pregnancy than any other time. Finances, life pressures, other siblings, in-laws – the “stress list” goes on and on. These all lead to what can be a difficult time for everyone.
My suggestion is to understand this first. Connect with each other and communicate with each other that this time will have its challenges – and develop a plan to work with each other – holding your growing baby and her development as the primary focus – committing to each other to do whatever it takes to make this time as peaceful, beautiful and loving as possible.
This is the time that the men become true men – finding what in my opinion would be TRUE STRENGTH – holding back from emotional outbursts of anger or selfishness even when your partner is driving you crazy with what you may perceive as another irrational request, going out of your way and calling on your masculine strength, to truly give her that unconditional love that you would naturally give to your baby. Because that’s exactly what you’re doing.
We need so much from the men in our lives during this time especially. We need to feel loved. We need to feel safe. We need to feel protected. We need to feel supported in every way. We need you to control your harmful emotions. To do whatever it takes to do that. This all applies also to at least the first year after the baby is born, and ideally until the child is 7 (when her neurological development has been largely completed).
It’s not all selfless action. By stepping into the role of protector and lover – you will find an unlimited amount of love returned to you.
This is something I don’t think many men understand. Your partner has SO much to give to you. She will not open to this if she feels that she needs to protect herself. But when you give all the love and protection to her, she will feel safe enough to open fully to you – and with the strong desire to return it to you, many times over. You are also giving an invaluable gift to your child, and to your future generations, by consciously holding this sacred space for your baby to grow in.
This applies whether you are in a committed relationship with your baby’s mother, sharing a home – or not. You may even be in another relationship altogether – but that doesn’t change anything. All of this is still possible either way (I know as I have this experience in my own life now).
By giving your baby and her mother infinite unconditional love, you open that door to also receive it back ten fold. And your baby truly gets the best it can during this important time in life.
It may be the highest calling you have as a man. To offer this.
I hope for a future where all living beings can relax into this living space of safety and comfort. Where the stress that is so common to us all now, is a distant and faint memory of only a few.
I believe this is possible – but we need the men and the fathers to take their role in creating it very seriously and with the utmost resolve.
The new world is waiting for you…