the truth about pain – part 2

Yesterday I posted “the truth about pain”. This came from a very raw, open space inside me that was triggered by a Facebook post I had seen first thing in the morning. I felt so much emotion when I saw that post, that I had to do something, and what that something was – was to write what I wrote.

Normally, when I write something, I spend hours going over it, editing, etc. Yesterday – I wrote it one time, looked for a photo that showed what I was feeling and hit the publish button all within about 30 minutes.

I was unsure about publishing it, because it was quite vulnerable – but I chose to mostly because I told myself that probably nobody would read it anyway. I wasn’t going to “promote” it like I do on many of my other posts – so it was an understandable rationale.

When the responses began to come in, I realized that not only were people reading it, but they were moved by it, showing love and appreciation that moved me to tears.

It was through this opening of love, through the support of others – as well as another sleepless night (this makes 3 in a row) that has allowed me to go deeper into the truth of pain. And here it is…

First I’d like to preface all that I’m about to say by relaying the following message that was given to me yesterday – the following… “we really need to take responsibility for ourselves….you know that you create your own reality”.

Now, these words were in direct response to the specific experience of what for me has been the greatest source of pain in my life – and continues to be every day that I do not see 3 of my children. This is against my will and against theirs – perpetuated by a violent and angry person that embodies the darkest most abusive aspects of the current global system that has nearly destroyed humanity and our planet. His lawyer comes from the same place as he does, operating within and exploiting a system that was put in place by the same kind of “entities”. They are holding my children hostage, as a direct retaliation against me personally. And they are able to get away with it. The pain that has come from this is indescribable. I live with it every moment of every day – I wake up in the middle of the night hearing their voices, as if they are just 2 feet away from me, calling “mama”. I sit up in bed, looking for them – only to see darkness – and to be reminded that they are not anywhere near me, and haven’t been for almost 3 years now.

So to address the comment of creating our own reality. I just want to say this….

When someone has lost a child – due either to a narcissistic corrupt system, or to cancer – that the very last thing, regardless of the potential validity of the essence of that thought, that should EVER be said to that person – is that they are somehow responsible for their loss.

The irony of it is that the person saying it imagines that they are saying a most “spiritual” thing. I mean, that’s what its all about, right? Manifestation, creating your life, etc. etc. And I’m not even saying that it’s not true. BUT – what I am saying is that in saying something like that to a person who has experienced such a great loss, is devoid of what is to me, the benchmark of true spirituality – compassion.

Are we to imagine that we are somehow superior to others because we have not suffered? Another spiritual benchmark to me – the belief that anyone is superior to another for any reason, let alone to measure the superiority by the level of suffering….is almost comical. However, this seems to be the belief of many. Evidenced by the remark that was made to me yesterday. Brings tears to my eyes knowing that this belief is acceptable and propagated by so many right now. It’s beyond sad. It’s essentially abusive.

Now that I’ve addressed that…yesterday I was able to see something which was augmented by a dear friend who, after reading my post, made a big effort to come physically see me, and bring chocolate and to hold me. She came in all her beauty and sat with me, hand on my leg and reminded me of what a great gift all of this is, and will continue to be.

Things that I know already, but needed reminding. I almost felt as if I was at the beach at sunset, but with my back to the ocean. She came to me and gently turned me 180 degrees so that I didn’t actually move much – just enough to be looking at the expansive ocean and sky rather than a road and  a bunch of trashcans.

I was reminded that when we experience pain, all levels of it, it acts as a catalyst to break us. When this breaking occurs, it reveals a fresh and new person. Much like a caterpillar in a cocoon. There is a transformation.

With that transformation comes a choice of what we want to become from the experience. The degree of our choice only has to be minimal, as it sets us on a specific trajectory that will have a significant result over time.

We have the choice of how we want the experience to effect us and in doing so, it directs our spirit and our physical life. And…our perception of the experience determines our choice. It begins with the perception.

When we are able to perceive the breaking open as an opportunity for transformation, and receive it with gratitude, in the middle of our suffering, (oh yes, I have learned that gratitude and suffering make beautiful playmates)….then it sets a trajectory towards wisdom and appreciation for life. More than anything, it creates in us a deeper sense of compassion. It is the course towards finding our pure essence, experiencing the purity of reciprocal love with ourselves and with others.

When we make other choices that involve retaliation, victimization, resentment, regret and guilt – this sets a trajectory towards bitterness and detachment from our true nature and our soul. A trajectory that quite literally isolates us and leads to hell.

My friend reminded me that being alone during these deep times is ok – to open to it – to feel it all in it’s rawness and let the breaking open occur. I agree with her.

I know this feeling well, as I’ve literally felt my body split open to allow a new person to come out of it – 7 times, when I gave birth to each of my children. The element of surrender is essential to that birth process. Otherwise, more unnecessary suffering is incurred.

Surrender eases the breaking open. Gratitude makes the experience an intense gift and not a form of torture. Understanding the true nature of the potential purpose of the suffering, opens us to wonder and appreciation of life. And the CHOICE – wow, this shows us how much POWER we possess.

I want to thank you all for your kind support yesterday – it was an outpouring of love that was unexpected and beautiful.

Thank you.

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