breaking up when you have a child

I just finished a relationship of over a year with a beautiful man. It hurts, I cry all the time, but as nice as it was to have that feeling of being deeply loved by a man, the fun times, the safety and the security that came with it too – it’s come to an end…

Raising a child, or children on my own has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And one thing I’m learning now is how the difficulty level increases when sad things happen in our lives. My daughter depends on me – only me – for almost everything still, including “explanations” of the sad things. It’s so hard to know what to say, or what to do during this time. I keep telling myself that kids learn mostly from example and not so much what we try to “tell” or “teach” them.

Most likely she will experience heartbreak during her lifetime. So she’s learning from me how to deal with it. I have decided to be honest with her, with my words and my actions. So, I cry, a lot. She lays next to me, or on my lap and asks me why I’m crying. And I just simply tell her why and hold her tight. I still make dinner (usually), and take care of her like I do all the time – continuing with the necessities of life – but I’m allowing myself to be sad and to go through this difficult time. I try to stay as connected to her as possible while still being honest with myself and with her.

I’ve also realized that honesty is the most important thing to me in any relationship. I think mostly because of the inherent properties of it that give birth to trust. The more I go through my life – the more I realize that this is a basic human need – to have people to truly trust in your life. I’ve needed that more than I’ve needed to eat sometimes.

So as I continue to feel the pain of the breakup – I rest in the fact that I’m being true to myself, honest with myself that it HURTS. And that’s ok. I’m not resisting it anymore. As a good friend told me recently – “the only way past it is through it”. And it takes a lot of courage to go through difficult times.

As I’m honest with myself and others, I find a renewed trust in the most important person in my life – me. I am trusting myself more and more the deeper I rest in the truth.

I also see that there are a lot of people going through break ups recently. From the ones that I know of, it seems that the women are initiating them more often than the men and I’m convinced that the awakening that the women are experiencing right now in this time of history is the catalyst for these big changes.

Not only are we not settling for less than what we want or feel that we deserve, but we’re risking losing that safety and security that comes with being in a relationship. We will take the loneliness over it, we’ll take the sometimes devastating financial hits over it. We’re willing to work 10 times harder to survive, to take care of our children and ourselves over “settling” for it anymore.

We are doing this for ourselves, but I’d like to propose that we are possibly unconsciously, doing this for our children. Showing them with our life choices that it’s worth it. Being TRUE to ourselves and moving forward through the fear, sadness, desperation, sometimes brutal retaliation – is our highest calling as mothers and people right now.

I believe that we’re doing something BIG. And that we are the bridge between how women needed to be before (I think of my grandmother who suffered through a 60 year abusive marriage) – and how that is changing – with US – RIGHT NOW. We’re making humanity shifts with our courageous choices.

As I tell the mothers that I work with during labor and birth. YOU ARE DOING IT. RIGHT NOW. And…YOU’RE AMAZING.

I say this to myself today as I look over the beautiful peaceful river from my jungle home in the Caribbean coast of Costa Rica – the Cocles River – a vein of our mother earth and it comforts me saying – be still – be real – keep flowing…

I’m sending love to all those who are being courageous right now, albeit sad and scared. Keep moving – keep flowing – the ocean of love and trust for yourself is very close – just like the ocean is here for the river just 100 meters away – awaiting your arrival home.

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remembering all the good times – watching the sun set